“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
~ Albert Camus
I used to be clinically depressed. I don’t think I talk about this moment in my life as much as I think it deserves to be talked about.
My depression medicines had just started to kick in and I realized that they made me think all weird. They made my mind feel blank; empty like a hall must feel where people get wedded and leave.
I freaked out, went to my therapist and demanded to be taken off the pills.
And this is the moment I need you to take notice of: My therapist looked at me in the eye and said, more confidently than reassuringly, “This is how normal minds are supposed to feel.” My default human state of being was to feel constant anxiety and uncontrolled over-thought. That was my reality, I did not know any other way.
It was about to stop now. I was going to be a new think-when-you-must-and-possibly-without-anxiety me!
While I made peace with this new state of being, I remember feeling unadulterated joy at eating decent pasta, listening to a good song, seeing a bright colored flower. Unadulterated, did you hear? The world changed that day, in that moment. I have never taken happy for granted since.
And don’t get me wrong, these things don’t get fixed in a moment. You work on it, everyday, relentlessly. It’s a tremendous effort, you heard Albert.